How to be Evil in 12 Easy Steps

Gunnar practices his evil stare.

Gunnar was thoroughly unimpressed by my reading of The Happiness Project. He thought being evil was a far more admirable goal, so he came up with 12 steps for how to be evil.

1. Bully as much as you can as often as you can. Don't let other pets eat their food, use the litter box or nap in peace. They'll thank you later for making them tough.
2. Take other people's food. Knock it out of their hand if you have to. Lay on plates. Swat at their food as they eat it.
3. Knock things off tables. Conspire with the dog if you have to. Newton's law is that "objects on tables must come down."
4. Leave a trail of destruction in your wake. Shred paper towels, chew cords, eat things humans think you shouldn't. (What do they know? Buttons are delicious. So are moths).
5.  Go places you aren't allowed. Closets. Cabinets. That's where the good stuff is.
6. Break all the rules. Poop outside your litter box or as soon as it's cleaned.
7.  Eat Mojo's food. It will help you grow big and strong.
8.  Don't walk. Stomp. Always stomp.
9. Let your puny humans cuddle you. Surprise them by shanking them. That way they know you REALLY love them. 
10. Use the claws. They only think it's happy kneading, Really, you're slowly releasing the poison into their blood.
11. Make as much noise as you can first thing in the morning. Everyone loves being woken up by a cat knocking over a piece of furniture or fighting with another cat.
12. If your human won't get up to get you breakfast, punch them in the face. Heck, you don't need a reason. Punch everyone in the face

Pretty in Pink

Mojo in a scarf. I think I need to make this a regular feature. He actually doesn't really mind scarves anymore.

Not so Fearless

Gunnar in his box.

I was quite convinced that Gunnar the Terrible had no fears. Nothing fazed this cat.

Until he heard Gilbert Gottfried's voice coming out of the TV. He ran away in utter.

Completely shaken up, he later took refuge in the dryer.

No kitties in the dryer!

Revenge is Best Served...Cold Turkey

Yet another portrait with evil cat in the background

Gunnar likes to cry for turkey every morning when I make breakfast. If I put some sandwich meat in Mojo's bowl, Gunnar MEOWS to remind me that he would also like some meats. He was particularly vocal one morning and I put a dollop of turkey down next to his bowl. And before he could blink Katie flies into the room and gulps down his turkey.

He just stared at her in utter disbelief. She finished the turkey and slunk off before poor evil Gunnar could process what happened.

I laughed.  Gunnar is a total bully and tries to bully Katie out of turkey all of the time, and then half the time I give Katie turkey she doesn't eat it.  So in no way were either of us expecting it.

But score one for Katie.

How to Fight Crazy

Last night Gunnar was trying to eat some huge gnarl of string that he found on the floor. I lunged over and yanked it out of his mouth. 

Matt thought I was too rough and scared the cat. 

This morning Gunnar was trying to eat some plastic and Matt tried sweetly to get Gunnar to stop eating it. Crazy cat swallowed it. 

I told Matt that there's no point in trying to reason with a crazy cat.

Thee only way to fight crazy is with more crazy.

Doggie Magnetism

Mojo's new friend

If Mojo has a super power (besides conning me out of chicken hot dogs), it's doggie magnetism.

If we go on a walk and there's a stray, a dog escaped its leash or a dog sneaking out of its house within a mile radius, they find us.

I have found so many dogs! I've had to call the tags on the owners or walk up to random houses, knock on doors and return dogs to teenagers. 

Today I was walking Mojo and we picked up a brindle pitt. She didn't seem to be anybody's so I let her take a walk with us, partly just to keep an eye on her and keep her out of the road. She seemed to be a nice dog and she kept initiating play with Mojo. 

She was a very slobbery dog. Mojo and I both ended up soaked after meeting her.

Outtake photo. And yes, I totally laid down on my neighbors yard to get these shots.

PS> Turns out she's the new neighbor's dog. So we might be seeing more of her. 

Gun-Guns the Terrible

Another in my ongoing series of evil cat portraits, I call this one "Gun-Guns the Terrible."

Bad Behavior

See this happy dog? Such a sweet guy.

Loves people food, walks, his family. Wags his tail all the time.

Today I went home at lunch and he was a total diva when I went to take him out. He refused to go. He just sat down and refused to move.

After about 10 minutes, it started to get pretty annoying. I took him back inside and scarfed my lunch down. He came over to me and licked my knee, saying he was sorry. Or begging for chicken hot dog.

I caved. I told him if he went to the bathroom, I'd give him chicken hotdog. Another 10 or so minutes of diva behavior and finally, he got his chicken hot dog. He did try to take me on a walk—which I didn't have time for.

So my diva dog has resorted to extortion.

------->Bonus points if you can find an evil cat in this photo.

Soccer Fiend

Gunnar's been watching a lot of soccer lately. His dad kept Olympic soccer on at the house 24/7. So when presented with this soccer ball, Gunnar had a point to prove.

Now, if only he knew you can't use your hands in soccer. Maybe he's practicing goal tending? He would be a ferocious goalie.

Piggyback Ride

Katie is not a cuddly cat. She does not like to be picked up. But she does like the occasional piggy back ride. Ever since we've had her, she's like to climb and perch on Matt's back.

Breakfast with Gunnar

I decided to make myself a nice breakfast on my week off. A croissant and some strawberries.

But then Gunnar invited himself to breakfast. Didn't know he liked strawberries, but apparently he does.

He also dipped his paw into the honey on the croissant! Crazy thing.

Bad Haircut

Mojo usually gets groomed at Pawtropolis, but there's usually a wait to get an appointment so I had the brilliant idea to take him somewhere else because I wanted an appointment this week. So I made an appointment at his vet. I figured that way he could get his shots and I could just do one trip. And if the vet employs this groomer, then surely you see where this is going.

So I drop Mojo off at 7:30 a.m. like they asked. I gave them specific instructions, sporty, about half the length it is now and not too short on the butt. I thought I should leave a picture but don't have a printer so I didn't.

At 2:30 they call me that he's ready, but still wet.

Did you blowdry him? I ask.

He's under the fans.

That was my first tip off.

So I go to pay my bill and the groom is twice what I've been paying for grooming and more than I've ever spent for a haircut.  This is my fault for not asking.

Then they bring Mojo out.

Look how uneven the cut is. Especially around the neck. They didn't trim is tail.

It doesn't even look my my dog. And I mean this in the worst way.

I dropped off a handsome shaggy brown dog. I get back a dog that's cut to his fluffy undercoat. He looks exactly like my Husky used to look when we had her shaved for the summer. and I specifically said NOT to shave him. I said half the length of his fur.  It's 1/4 or less of the length is fur was before and the fur is indeed too short on the butt.

There's nothing sporty about this cut. It's a shave. They didn't touch his tail. It should have been evened out. It's completely uneven and I could have done a better job. They took my handsome dog and made him look horrible.

I was expecting him to look like he looked like the last time he was groomed. 

I wasn't expecting this unflattering, uneven cut that exposes his undercoat. 

Completely uneven and unflattering.

Seriously, I'm so upset with the cut, I cried. I can't look at Mojo without getting upset and he can sense my disapproval and he thinks he did something. He didn't. 

So I don't know what to do about this except wait for it to grow out. I would say that Mojo doesn't mind except that he's got razor burn where she shaved him too short on his stomach and it itches him like crazy so he's trying to lick it. 

Moral of this story is wait for the good groomer. And don't take your dog to the groomer at NOAH.