How to be Evil in 12 Easy Steps

Gunnar practices his evil stare.

Gunnar was thoroughly unimpressed by my reading of The Happiness Project. He thought being evil was a far more admirable goal, so he came up with 12 steps for how to be evil.

1. Bully as much as you can as often as you can. Don't let other pets eat their food, use the litter box or nap in peace. They'll thank you later for making them tough.
2. Take other people's food. Knock it out of their hand if you have to. Lay on plates. Swat at their food as they eat it.
3. Knock things off tables. Conspire with the dog if you have to. Newton's law is that "objects on tables must come down."
4. Leave a trail of destruction in your wake. Shred paper towels, chew cords, eat things humans think you shouldn't. (What do they know? Buttons are delicious. So are moths).
5.  Go places you aren't allowed. Closets. Cabinets. That's where the good stuff is.
6. Break all the rules. Poop outside your litter box or as soon as it's cleaned.
7.  Eat Mojo's food. It will help you grow big and strong.
8.  Don't walk. Stomp. Always stomp.
9. Let your puny humans cuddle you. Surprise them by shanking them. That way they know you REALLY love them. 
10. Use the claws. They only think it's happy kneading, Really, you're slowly releasing the poison into their blood.
11. Make as much noise as you can first thing in the morning. Everyone loves being woken up by a cat knocking over a piece of furniture or fighting with another cat.
12. If your human won't get up to get you breakfast, punch them in the face. Heck, you don't need a reason. Punch everyone in the face