Always watching

Gunnar wants you to know that he is always watching. And that he knows what you did. And that he'll pounce on your head if he's feeling really evil.

Love my evil cat.

Chef Gunnar

Gunnar found this taco recipe in Real Simple and asked me to make it for dinner.  He's keeping it safe until I start cooking.

Not Amused

Emperor Gunnar is not amused. 

Puny Human

"Puny human, I scoff at you and your feeble attempts to please me." That's what I think Gunnar is saying in this one. He is one hard to please kitty cat emperor. 

Evil cat

Gunnar tacking his dad to get some attention. 

This morning, Matt was trying to get the lint off of his work pants—all while Gunnar was trying to get as much cat fur as possible on the same pants.

It was pretty funny to watch them fight over Matt's black pants.

Finally I picked up Gunnar and took him to the other room. He was purring quite loudly—content that his evil deed for the morning went so well. 

How to be Evil in 12 Easy Steps

Gunnar practices his evil stare.

Gunnar was thoroughly unimpressed by my reading of The Happiness Project. He thought being evil was a far more admirable goal, so he came up with 12 steps for how to be evil.

1. Bully as much as you can as often as you can. Don't let other pets eat their food, use the litter box or nap in peace. They'll thank you later for making them tough.
2. Take other people's food. Knock it out of their hand if you have to. Lay on plates. Swat at their food as they eat it.
3. Knock things off tables. Conspire with the dog if you have to. Newton's law is that "objects on tables must come down."
4. Leave a trail of destruction in your wake. Shred paper towels, chew cords, eat things humans think you shouldn't. (What do they know? Buttons are delicious. So are moths).
5.  Go places you aren't allowed. Closets. Cabinets. That's where the good stuff is.
6. Break all the rules. Poop outside your litter box or as soon as it's cleaned.
7.  Eat Mojo's food. It will help you grow big and strong.
8.  Don't walk. Stomp. Always stomp.
9. Let your puny humans cuddle you. Surprise them by shanking them. That way they know you REALLY love them. 
10. Use the claws. They only think it's happy kneading, Really, you're slowly releasing the poison into their blood.
11. Make as much noise as you can first thing in the morning. Everyone loves being woken up by a cat knocking over a piece of furniture or fighting with another cat.
12. If your human won't get up to get you breakfast, punch them in the face. Heck, you don't need a reason. Punch everyone in the face

Revenge is Best Served...Cold Turkey

Yet another portrait with evil cat in the background

Gunnar likes to cry for turkey every morning when I make breakfast. If I put some sandwich meat in Mojo's bowl, Gunnar MEOWS to remind me that he would also like some meats. He was particularly vocal one morning and I put a dollop of turkey down next to his bowl. And before he could blink Katie flies into the room and gulps down his turkey.

He just stared at her in utter disbelief. She finished the turkey and slunk off before poor evil Gunnar could process what happened.

I laughed.  Gunnar is a total bully and tries to bully Katie out of turkey all of the time, and then half the time I give Katie turkey she doesn't eat it.  So in no way were either of us expecting it.

But score one for Katie.

Gun-Guns the Terrible

Another in my ongoing series of evil cat portraits, I call this one "Gun-Guns the Terrible."

Breakfast with Gunnar

I decided to make myself a nice breakfast on my week off. A croissant and some strawberries.

But then Gunnar invited himself to breakfast. Didn't know he liked strawberries, but apparently he does.

He also dipped his paw into the honey on the croissant! Crazy thing.

Top 10 reasons Gunnar is EVIL

1. He looks evil.

2. He's a bully. He likes to sneak up on Katie and generally torture her. Eat if she wants to eat, he runs her off from the food spot. He likes to take her toys and do everything in his power to annoy her. He Jumps on her when she's drinking, tackles her, bats at her tail. If Katie goes in a closet or small space, he'll wait on the outside to attack her when she comes out.

3. He gets his breakfast at about 6:35 every morning. If he hasn't had his breakfast by 7 a.m. he'll start making as much noise as possible and come wake me up.

4. He once woke me up by punching me in the face.

5. He also likes to barf at 5 a.m. on the bedroom carpet. That's a pretty evil wakeup call.

6. He likes to bat at my hair when I'm doing situps. 

7. He finds all sorts of things he's not to have. He'll try and eat spare buttons or clothing tags he finds on the carpet.

8. Drug addiction: Once I came home to find him rolling around in a pile of catnip he broke out of a cabinet. (He can break into cabinets!!!) He was stoned out of his mind. He's quite addicted to kitty drugs.

9. Ego. He will take food off of your plate. Even if you're looking. He is completely unapologetic about ruling the roost. 

10. He uses the couch as a scratching post. Also, one of his favorite activities is shredding paper towels. 

Bonus Gunnar facts:

When I try to pet him, he likes to bite me. 

Why Gunnar stomps

To say that Gunnar is like no cat I’ve ever met would be an understatement.

I’ve been around cats my whole life and I’ve met shy cats, bossy cats, sweet cats, He-man cats, crazy cats—all kinds. But NEVER have I met anything in the same universe as Gunnar.

For starters, he doesn’t have a regular cat’s tail. He’s got a short stumpy plume. But it’s full and fluffy and fancier than any tail I’ve seen.

He’s also a lot more vocal than any cat I have ever met, period. He talks and calls. He sits at the top of the stairs and mews. He cries when the dog goes on a walk. And boy does he know how to wail. It’s not easy to ignore him when he cranks the volume up.

And then there’s his walk. Whereas cats are synonymous with stealth and silent stalking, Gunnar stomps. When he’s walking around upstairs I sometimes wonder if a hippo is pacing the floorboards. He certainly doesn’t sound like a nimble cat walking to the bed. He stampedes, he throws his weight into every step to maximize the sound. Sometimes it sounds like a person is walking around the second floor, not a 14-pound fur ball.

He’s bigger boned than most cats. He’s got a stocky, muscular build. His best friend is a dog who walks loudly. I figured those two things were to blame, but no. That’s not it.

The other morning he was in full Gun-Guns mode stomping around the upstairs as we got ready for work. Katie was innocently licking her favorite plastic when Gunnar took the opportunity to silently stalk up on Katie and pounce.

He can stalk! I didn’t even know that. Apparently the stomping around is just another part of his macho-man personality we and act we like to call “Brutusing.” He puts on a big show of being a brute. He can be downright evil to our other cat. And he stomps around so the cat thinks that’s how he walks and BLAM—when she least expects it—sneak attack.

So why does he stomp? To remind the other cat he’s around and to make sneaking up on her even more unexpected. Evil thing.